I n j o k e  A s s i s t a n t

Jingle Gates
(by Chet Raymo)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care,
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State,
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle,
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire.

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down by the bay.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums,
Will be under the tree, only a new hard drive and three new CD ROMS.

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through.

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates,
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Christmas Thoughts, David Kenison, dkenison@xmission.com
Distributed on the Internet via the LDS-Gems mailing list.
LDS-Gems homepage: http://www.xmission.com/~dkenison/lds/gems/

Princess Ryubet

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'

The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!'

A deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"